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BACK IN THE DAY - 08/03/2008
(by Bryan La Placa - Webmaster and Argus Managing Editor - August 06, 2008)
The naked truth
NORTH JERSEY – Here’s a look at what was published in Suburban Trends around the end of July/beginning of August over the years.
July 31, 1983 – Meadtown City
“Where once was grown the best vegetables in the nation, you can now purchase Japanese electronics and California produce,” begins an article about the history of the Mead farm in Kinnelon.
“Several retail establishments are today located at the intersection of Kiel Avenue and Kinnelon Road and Route 23 where once was a sprawling farm owned by Wilton Mead. The Mead farm has been replaced by the Kinnelon Mall, the A&P (now and organic produce store), the Burger King and Grand Union (now Stop & Shop), down to the Church of the Nazarene,” reads the old article.
Mead Family members are recorded as having arrived in America from England on March 15, 1663.
John Mead, an early family settler, negotiated with Indian chiefs, whose tribes inhabited the Pompton Valley, regarding purchasing the Pompton land grant. They met on June 6, 1695 in the valley at the junction of Two Bridges.
The area bought by Mead and associates comprised more than 5,000 acres of land. Future land purchases followed the initial acquisition.
“Observant shoppers at the Kinnelon Mall will notice a large tree standing on the hill leading up to the mall parking lot. The tree, a butternut, is the ‘oldest and largest known tree of its species in New Jersey’ according to the historical sign placed near its trunk,” says the old article.
That three still stands and the office building where Suburban Trends now resides is named Butternut Plaza after the old tree. An old photograph that accompanies the article shows the present site of the Suburban Trends office as it was when this was farmland. At the edge of a field of billowing grain stands the tree, shading the Mead farmhouse complex. This tree was one of many that covered the old Mead farm.
The old farm complex was destroyed in 1972 to make way for the mall.
“New Jersey’s loss of farming land is as apparent right here in Kinnelon as anywhere else in the state,” opines the old article.
July 29, 1973 – Local nudist convention
“Nudists From All Over To Meet in West Milford” ran the headline on the front page of the June 29, 1973 Suburban Trends.
The American Gymnosophical Association (AGA) Camp, commonly known as Paradise Valley, was once again been selected as the site for the annual convention of the National Nudist Council (NNC).
The convention, scheduled to run from Aug. 1-5. was expected to attract about 150 nudists from more than a dozen states and Canada.
Paradise Valley was located on Paradise Road, off the infamous Clinton Road.
Among the activities scheduled for the convention at the 48-acre site were volleyball, badminton, ping pong, horse shoes, swimming contests, an arts and crafts show, chess, the crowning of a convention king and queen, camping and hiking.
The AGA camp had been in by 1973 operation for about 25 years and was licensed by the township health department.
The facility, which at the time had 26 members, was open to registered members only.
Nudist Camp Manager Jerry Keck said new members were always welcome, but that the AGA tried to keep a balance of families, couples and single people so as not to “scare off new members.”
Aug. 1, 1963 – Rebel yell in Wayne
“It may sound ridiculous now, but during the Civil War, a group of Preakness residents tried to arouse enough interest among their neighbors to break away from the Union and join the rebel cause,” according to an article in the Aug. 1, 1963 Suburban Trends.
“Instead, it created dissension so bitter that one man remained under a horse shed during a church service and vowed he would not set his foot into the church while the American flag was hanging there,” according to the old article.
The source of this weird tale, according to the Suburban Trends article, is a newspaper clipping in the form of a letter to the editor from an unnamed newspaper with the headline “The Preakness Difficulty,” and dated Sept. 27, 1861.
Apparently someone who signed his name as “Cassius” wrote the letter. The clipping also said:
“They are actuated by the same principle as the rebels of the South, who are trying to break up our government. The Preakness Rebels are trying their hand here in tearing down our banner and breaking up our public school. Ignorance and secession are twin sisters.
“All the conversation I have had with this clique, they have expressed strong secession sentiments. It is a notorious fact that all sympathizers with secession do not like the stars and stripes, hence the reason why the Preakness traitors stayed away from church on general Fast Day.”
“‘Cassius’ contended there was a strong similarity of principle between the Preakness rebels and those from the South,” said the Suburban Trends article.
“What this clique cannot rule, they try to destroy, just as with the traitors at the South” wrote Cassius.
According to Suburban Trends, the secession attempt was a failure, and it is unknown if the man ever came out from under the horse shed.
July 28, 1963 – Old comics
Old syndicated newspaper comics are just painful. Internet-based culture critic Strong Bad has observed that in olden days, “comics didn’t seem to need jokes or humor, or readers under the age of 91.”
“Family Circus” is a laugh riot compared to these old “funny pages.”
There’s one strip called “Those Were the Days,” by Art Beeman. In the first panel, a daughter asks her dad, who looks like a member of a barbershop quartet, if he would “fry the steak for us.”
“In the old days, father never interfered with the cooking,” a narration tells us. Father smacks his face and says, “I’m no good in the kitchen – Cooking is a woman’s job!”
“But now – WOW!” intones the narrator. “He modestly considers himself a genius.”
Filled with pride, the “modern day” father in the next panel beams with satisfaction at his barbecuing ability. A slim blonde with an ample bosom and a tiny waist says, “You’re a real chef, Sam!”
But don’t think you’re off the hook, ladies. Here comes the final insult.
“More scorched and burned pans tonite I scrub!” says Sam’s wife, who actually does look a bit like Yoda.
Another comic strip is called “Deems,” by Tom Oka.
In the strip that appeared in the July 28, 1963 Suburban Trends, a boy is fishing with a makeshift fishing pole when he catches a whale that snaps the line. The boy is so bewildered by the experience that when he tells his friend about it, he describes the fish as being small. The friend looks at the snapped line, and wonders how a small fish could have done that. That’s it. I don’t get it. Maybe there was a running joke that this character had a depth perception problem. Maybe it’s an opposite joke about exaggerated fishing stories. I don’t know.
The next strip is called “Hossface Hank,” by Frank Thomas. Hank is a Howdy Doody-looking cowboy, and he’s in the kitchen testing how hot a bottle of milk is on his wrist. Then, with a safety pin in his mouth, he snaps out a clean cloth, presumably getting a diaper ready for a baby. But the joke’s on you, reader, because the cloth is actually a bandanna for a calf, and that’s who the bottle is for too!
Next comes “Grandpa’s Boy,” by Brad Anderson. It’s really messed up.
“Mom, look what I found! A baby brother! Can I keep him?” asks a boy as he leads a baby into his house. The mom says, “NO!” so the boy leads the wandering baby he found back out of the house.
“What about ‘Finders Keepers!” remarks the boy as he returns the baby to the street.
Here comes the “Laff of the Week,” a weekly one-panel strip kind of like “The Far Side,” except without humor.
In this week’s “laff,” a tree has grown a curvature to make it appear as if it is actually sitting on the bench next to it. A tree surgeon remarks to a concerned-looking man that the tree is lazy. That’s the joke.
Reminds me of a joke told by famous Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiyev: “There is a chair. The chair walk with a shoes. La la la la la. He walk on a street. The chair is a walking! Hahaha! Yes!”
This one strip called “Candy,” by Tom Dorr, must have been put in by accident, because it actually has a clever joke. It’s an anomaly on the old funny pages.
A mother and daughter are talking. The mother tells the daughter that her father should be ashamed of the “sharp words” he uses against them. The daughter responds that her dad said, “They’re sharp from trying to get them in edgewise.”
Then there’s a comic strip called “Stees Sees.” This edition shows several one-panel jokes that take place at a church bazaar.
A little boy sees a clown holding balloons, but his mother has to tell him that only the balloons are for sale, not the clown. The rest of the panels are just unspeakably unfunny and defy description. I think they’re more “women are dumb” jokes.
Then there’s the good ol’ “Nancy” comic strip that has run since 1933. Nancy is a precocious eight-year-old girl.
In this week’s strip, she wants to take a nap, but knows that as soon as she tries to go to sleep, about ten of her friends are going to drop by and wake her up. But then she has a bright idea that the reader isn’t privy to yet.
Then we see her sound asleep, and her friends are walking by her house without stopping. There’s a sign on the window that says, “Air conditioner broken.”
The next strip is called “Gordo,” by “Eustachian Toobe,” a fake name for Mexican-American artist Gustavo “Gus” Arriola. The strip ran from 1941 to 1985 and chronicled the life of Mexican bean farmer Perfecto Salazar “Gordo” Lopez.
But in this week’s strip, the focus is on Gordo’s pet, “Señor Dog.” Señor Dog is sound asleep when he is startled awake and jumps into the air. He shakes his head so fast that he looks like Cerberus. Then his head turns into some sort of sonic wave. Then it turns into what would become later known as a “disco ball.” Then his head turns into a bunch of molecules. All these transformations happen before Señor Dog even lands from his jump.
Señor Dog lands headfirst in a puff of smoke. Recovering from the jolt, Señor Dog moans and says, “Oh, how I wish he’d call me by name… Instead of with that #@%& ultrasonic dog whistle!”
Another one-panel strip is called “Unseen Audience.” In this week’s strip, a well-to-do man and woman are listening to the weather report on the radio that claims it is fair outside and isn’t raining. The man looks at the lightning and rain outside and remarks, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was raining.” Take that, inaccurate weather report!
Then there’s a “Ripley’s Believe It or Not!” rip-off called “Nothing But The Truth,” by some person simply named Arnold.
In this week’s truths, we’re told that astronaught (sic) Gordon Cooper lost seven pounds while “riding” in space for less than two days. Then there’s a guy in North Carolina who takes his shirt off and lets thousands of bees swarm all over him. Also, farming is the third most-dangerous profession.
Then there’s a strip called “It’s a Living,” by Al Johns. It’s another single panel job.
In this one, a woman is driving with her lady friend, but is unaware that she is actually crushing a man who is working in an uncovered sewer shaft.
“There goes that voice again! Hear it?” asks the driver. Hahaha, women drivers!
Last week, Reuters published a story about the “world’s oldest recorded joke” as documented by the University of Wolverhampton, and of course women are the butt of it. The joke dates from 1900 B.C. and comes from the Sumerian civilization: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
And that’s enough already about old jokes.
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