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PHALON'S FILE - 5/7/2008
(by Joe Phalon - OpEd Columnist - May 07, 2008)
A hard cell
I’ve read two Stephen King novels. The first was “The Stand,” in which a biological warfare experiment escapes the military and wipes out 99 percent of the world population. A little grim.
After about a decade I read my second King novel, “Cell.” (I hear he has written others.) In this book, a call of unknown origin is placed simultaneously to every cell phone in the world, and those answering are first transformed into raging lunatics, then reduced to drooling zombies. Again, grim. But a little attractive. In some cases.
Last week I was standing behind somebody at K.C.’s Bagel Express in Pequannock chattering away on his cell phone oblivious to the lengthening line behind him.
Where is Stephen King when you need him? The idea of this self-important lout being reduced to a pile of jelly was just so attractive.
In New Jersey, we now live under more stringent laws regarding cell phone use in motor vehicles. It is now a primary offense, so the police can now stop a motorist seen chatting on a cell phone without a hands-free device, but judging by the guy in front of me this morning drifting down the left lane of Route 46, blissfully unencumbered by awareness of the traffic zipping by him on the right (and the attendant gestures directed as said driver), some people just aren’t getting with the program.
Here is my proposal: Cell phone use should be prohibited on anything that has wheels. Let’s begin the most egregious of-fenders: Cell phone users pushing shopping carts. You’ve seen him wandering the aisles of the supermarket with his wife on the other end, talking him through the shopping process like a passenger who had to take the helm of a 747 after the crew fell ill to the fish dinner.
“They have three sizes. Which should I get?” “I can’t find the bananas.” Meanwhile he is rear-ending you with his cart of misbegotten items that will have to be returned.
Most of the conversation consists of “What?” “Can you hear me?” “I said do we need cat food? No, not steak sauce, cat food.” “What?”
Fortunately the prevailing background noise covers most of this inane dialogue. On trains, not so much. And since trains are on wheels, ban cell phones there too!
Recently I got to hear all about the life of Suzanne B. Smith (not her real name) as she yammered on for 12 miles at a decibel level approaching a down-gearing dump truck. She has two children, Pierce and Spencer. (Real names. Seriously.) Her e-mail is suzannebsmith@loudcommuter.com. I know this because she shouted it twice.
I could see what was coming. Seventy or so sleepy commuters on a train, and one really loud cell phone user apparently unaware there are 70 people nearby who have no interest whatsoever in the Adventures of Pierce and Spencer. Something’s gonna give.
Just takes one. “Shhhhh!” A torrent is unleashed. “Could you keep it down?” “Enough!” “QUIET!”
But I have to wonder is the Laws of Common Sense are ignored, would the laws of the State of New Jersey fare any better? Paging Stephen King…
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